I’m not the kind of person to summarize my “crazy, wild year” with a list of things I accomplished, or a picture of me standing on some rooftop looking out like “take chances. live. love.”
I mean, that’s all fine and dandy, but come on Brenna does not take herself nearly that seriously. But I want to do something to summarize my year. Because it’s been a crazy, wild one. 😉
So here’s my list of questions. Maybe 2017 will bring some answers?
When is “real life” going to start?
Yeah, who coined this term? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I’m surround by other young people most of the time and I feel like I’m always hearing “going to start my real life”, or “I’m avoiding starting my real life”. Who invented that? Who decided there was a point where your life became “real”?
And most importantly…who didn’t let me know?
Seriously. I missed the memo or something. Is there like a certain date where it’s like “oh yeah ‘real life’ started today”. Where’s the Facebook notification? It’s like your first ‘big girl’ job, maybe? Or when you rent your own apartment? Or what? Who made the qualifications?
I made so many judgements on myself when I decided to move to Thailand like “I’m just putting off starting my real life”. Why? This is my life, right? Maybe there’s really no start date.
And I’m just starting to figure this out. I’m just starting to realize that the more authentic I am, the more real it feels. And let’s take ownership of our decisions, shall we? Even the bad ones. That’s freaking terrifying.
Why don’t they teach you that in school?
And another one…
Who’s figured love out?
No seriously. This year was a big one for “how can I possibly fit another person into my life”. And let’s be honest, I’m really not getting very far. How are human beings supposed to interact with each other?
How am I negotiating loving another person when I haven’t really gotten my shit together for myself yet?
Why is self-love so freaking difficult?
Why does everyone feel unloveable and no one really talks about it? And I follow that up with…
Why doesn’t anyone talk about the fact that we are all just scared shitless?
And it’s not just undergrad College students. It’s every damn person on the planet. And I’m just starting to notice that no one has a damn clue. And yet I/we/collective humanity continues to dole out advice about what it is we need to do. How we should feel. What we should want.
But really no one has a clue. We just don’t.
And honestly that makes me feel a lot better. It’s nice to curl up and night thinking “What the hell am I doing” and know that some complete stranger in Belgium is thinking the same thing. You go insecure Belgian. You and me.
Am I actually making progress?
This is rhetorical. I mean, of course, I’m making progress. But what I’m really wanting is some validation. I wish I could look at God’s scoreboard and check how many points I’m getting for my life right now.
Unfortunately, I don’t think God has a scoreboard.
Why not?! That would make everything so much easier. If we could just know, like, “oh yes, this difficult decision really pushed me forward in the game of life”. I feel like this year I’ve had to make so many tough decisions and work through so many challenges. And it’s difficult to do that on the faith that it’s all for the best.
And the last question…
How did I get so god damn lucky?
Thank god I have this life. And honestly I’m going to pat myself on the back for a second. I don’t own my decisions enough. I tend to take every good thing that happens and crazy, random happenstance and then every bad thing as my own fuck up. But because this is my blog I can say “fuck, yes, Brenna”.
I was in love this year. I saw the Grand Canyon. I got myself to both Europe and Asia. I worked in a Pizza Kitchen. I did so, so many hennas. I made new friends. I went to many, many happy hours. I went to Hoffman. I did some really, really tough work on myself. I finished a documentary. I cut myself a little bit of slack. And I forgave people who hurt me. I told people I love that I love them.
So I can’t really ask for any more.
Just the same same from this year.
On to the resolutions!
Pretty easy. Just keep doing what’s been working. Including (but not limited to):
- Trusting my intuition
- Asking for help
- Not taking anything too seriously
- Being sad
- Cutting myself a break
- Living in the moment
- Playing my ukulele, singing out loud, and pushing myself to do somethings I am really, really scared to do
Almost acting like I’m learning something. Who do I think I am?
Someone who has my shit together?